KARL DOBIAS

I painted a turtle then I told it a story

Pumpkin Spice

 I bought a pumpkin spice latte

and a pumpkin spice muffin

and a pumpkin spice roasted coffee blend

and a pumpkin spice t-shirt

and a pumpkin spice pin.

 

I put pumpkin spice

in my pumpkin spice

until I thought-

 

“Doesn’t Pumpkin Spice 

sound like the name

of a fat, retarded Spice Girl?”

 

I put down my pumpkin spice latte

and my pumpkin spice muffin

and I threw out my pumpkin spice roasted coffee blend

and took off my pumpkin spice t-shirt

and my pumpkin spice pin.

 

“Fuck it.”

Musings from the toilet at a barnes and noble

I think I’m here for you

Not myself.

If I was here for myself

I’d be reading graphic novels

And checking out mousy women with glasses

And degrees in anthropology;

Or art history;

Or marine biology

Who couldn’t get jobs in the fields that they chose

So now they’re working at a Barnes and Noble.

What was I saying?

I passed out for a second.

Right.

I’m here for you

And not for myself.

I’ll finish in here

And meet you at the shelf

Marked “fiction”;

Or Literature;

Or Self Help.

Although I doubt I would meet you

Anywhere near the self help shelf

For it is you who help others 

When they can’t help themselves.

Paint The Town

Lets paint the town red
Or if you see more fit- blue
I’m here all alone
Thinking about you.
A pain in my heart
Creeps up time to time
If you’re still out there
Please give me a sign.
I can’t help but think
That I did something wrong
I sit and I drink
While I conjure up songs.
You pop into my head
And I can’t help but smile
But you left me because
Of our miscarried child.

Can We Please Just Get Over The Whole Birth Control Thing?

I wrote this article about birth control and it made a lot of people mad.  Read it.

A Rapper's Ironic Battle Against Guns

I wrote this article about Snoop Lion AKA Snoop Dogg for Absolute Rights. Check it out!

What Can Video Games Tell Us About Modern America?

I wrote this article about the political themes in BioShock Infinite for Absolute Rights.  Check it out!

Food for Friends

The hostess made steak for her Muslim friend

and pork for her Hindu friend.

She grilled a portobello mushroom for her vegetarian friend

and baked bread for vegan friend.

She made fruit salad for her gluten intolerant friend

and a chicken breast for her diabetic friend.

She made nothing for herself

because her friends are a drag.

Orange Shirt

He wore an orange shirt-

because she had once said it looked good.

He wore orange socks-

because she said they gave his feet more character.

He drove an orange car-

because when they went to the dealership, she marveled at how it glowed in the sunlight.

He bought a black tie-

because she left him for his best friend and he fucking hates orange.

The Stork in my Yard

On my back porch

Drinking bourbon

I spot a stork

Wearing a turban

I ask him

"Is it warm for you today?

He just says “No”

Then flies away.

I think to myself

While drinking my bourbon,

That stork kind of sounded

Just like Karl Urban.

I walked to the spot

Where the stork had landed.

He had shit in my yard-

I’m buying a gun, god damn it.

Buying Drugs

She inhales from her pipe

And pulls on her hair

And walks to the door

And walks down the stairs

Down on the street

She sees her friend Seth

She calls out aloud

“Hey- Wanna score meth?”

He looks at her

She glances back

He shrugs his shoulders

And says, “What the heck?”

They walk to the dealer

And knock on the door

It opens, an eye peers out, and says

“What’re you here for?”

She scratches her face and says

“Crank, if you please.”

He laughs and asks, “How much?”

She replies, “Um, three g’s?”

Seth stares in horror 

And screams- “Are you crazy?”

“Three g’s for us both!?!”

“My habit demands four g’s daily!!!”

The dealer, he smiles, 

And opens the door.

He invites Seth in and then adds

“Not you, whore.”

Out on the street

It begins to rain.

She twitches and gasps-

She needs ice in her veins.

She sneaks around back

And climbs in through a window.

From the other room the dealer exclaims

“Did you hear something, bro?”

Seth and the dealer

Run in to the room

The dealer, now holding a gun, shouts,

“Get out bitch- I’ll make this house your tomb.”

She starts to cry

And she drops to her knees.

“I don’t want any trouble”

“Just give me meth, please.”

The dealer smiles

And uncocks his piece.

He holds out his hand and says,

“If you please.”

She gets off the ground

And he throws her a baggie.

She gives him a peck on the cheek

And says, “Thank you, daddy.”

The Cat on the Ledge

The cat takes a step forward

It takes a step back

It slips on its paw

and falls off of the ledge.

It lands on the floor

and bumps its head.

It searches for milk

It finds it anon

The succulent dairy treat

Makes him feel calm.

A lady in a dress

A lady in a dress

Had large breasts-

I was taking a test

I did not do my best.

She was the proctor

and I said, “Miss, please,

I think you need a doctor

For those Double D’s.”

She looked at me coyly

And said, “Thank you, bro.

I’m glad you enjoy me,

But it’s time to go.”

I stood up slowly,

My head hung low,

But then I perked up and said

"Hey, don’t call me bro."

Cayenne Pepper

The chicken needed cayenne pepper

To bring the flavor out

The chef, I think, was a leper

He just said, “Hear me out,”

"I’ll cook you this chicken,

I’ll make it taste great,

It’ll be finger-licking,”

And I replied, “Great.”

He rolled up his sleeve

And his finger fell off.

I stood up from my chair

And declared-

"Let’s order takeout."

The Table

The table was black

The table was round

Her words had meaning

Her meaning was sound

The gunshot rang loudly

The gunshot was clear

I stood close to the gun

And now I can’t hear.

Water Bottle

The other day I saw a model

With the body of a water bottle.

She was skinny on top,

Round in the middle,

a curve to the waist,

with an ass she could wiggle.

She walked by me slowly

I only said “Hi.”

She replied, “Fuck you,”

And I hoped that she’d die.

And she did.

Tweets by @karldobias